2 Years In

I thought that it was time for a major update because the last two and a half months have seen some intense changes at the end of two years of upheaval and adventure. We have moved across the world to a place that is vastly more different than we had anticipated. We moved to a city much larger and more intense than we had ever lived in before and faced challenges that we couldn’t have foreseen. This was the first time in almost twenty years that we have not owned a home. It was the first time in twenty five years that we have not had regular access to a vehicle. We bought new furniture for the first time in our lives. Our Father provided financially vastly above what we could ever ask or even imagine and a large part of that was through you all. The bulk of the finances came with a message. One of our benefactors said that the amount they sent was meant to “pierce us with the goodness of God unto purification and sanctification”. We did feel physically pierced upon receiving and had little sense of the implications as all of our physical needs were taken care of so that our souls could be dismantled and disciplined, purified and sanctified. 

Hebrew 12:5-6 My son, do not think lightly or scorn to submit to the correction and discipline of the Lord, nor lose courage and give up and faint when you are reproved or corrected by Him;  For the Lord corrects and disciplines everyone whom He loves, whom He accepts and welcomes to His heart and cherishes.

It is through discipline that we are legitimized as daughters and sons of God.

Hebrews 12:11 For the time being no discipline brings joy, but seems sad and painful; yet to those who have been trained by it, afterwards it yields the peaceful fruit of righteousness [right standing with God and a lifestyle and attitude that seeks conformity to God’s will and purpose].

No one enjoys discipline while it is ongoing…

Over the last two years I have felt more selfish and spiteful and afraid than at any other point in my life largely because I felt like I was in survival mode every moment of every day. The only thing that has made this halfway bearable is keeping in mind that God was tearing down my self sourcing so that He could become my only source for every good thing. On top of the refining hand of Papa, my health has been in decline and Tracy has been too ill to work more or less from the moment we landed in Australia. She has been an incredible support and it has been awesome to see her grow in her art and ability to hear and trust our Father. She has talked me down off of the figurative ledge countless times over these two years. One of the primary consolations to this stretching time has been that we have had each other.

I’ve realized that I haven’t mentioned Medical School hardly at all. To be honest it has been a background and an undercurrent of all that has been going on. It has been difficult as expected and a great deal of work, as expected but it has been rewarding and even as I have struggled with the slowness of my thinking and the distractions of our conditions I have become more sure than ever that I will become a reasonably good doctor if we can stay the course.

Things seemed to be taking a positive turn into breakthrough from September of 2019 on, with diagnosis and treatment of long standing infections for Tracy and some encouraging treatment for my long standing issues with energy. During this time Tracy was given revelation that there was one more hurdle coming. We thought that when Tracy had a bladder cancer, then a bowel cancer, then a breast cancer scare that we had passed through that season. As those intimidation tactics were exposed as lies, we felt like we were moving in victory.  With only weeks left of 2nd year, I fell ill with what we thought was a viral illness.  After a week of high fevers and deterioration, Tracy was urging me to go to the doctor.  During this time, our roommate gave us her notice.  In the midst of my admission to hospital, and Tracy’s breast cancer investigations, we felt God lead us to quit our lease with our roommates and put our things in storage.  Tracy began packing while I was admitted and recovering for what was eventually identified as a rare atypical pneumonia, Psitticosis. Tracy had to move houses by herself as I was beginning my recovery including a relapse which precluded my completion of my scheduled exams. I have been given several opportunities to make up these exams but at every stage I have fallen short of the requirements because of my prolonged recovery. By New Years 2020 I was feeling fairly good and so I thought I would make one last attempt to avoid repeating second year. Unfortunately the Australian Bush fires made the air quality where I was staying almost three times higher than the most hazardous category and my hyper-reactive lungs turned me into a hot mess. Tracy and I became more worried about my health than about exams and I fell short once more. Even though I recognize that everything that has happened has been out my control, there has been a new, deeper state of the fear of failure exposed in me. 

Our current state: I don’t know what the future holds (but then neither do any of us) but we are quite confident in our call for today. We don’t know if we will have enough money at this point to finish this degree but we will stay the course that we believe is right until we are prevented. I don’t know what you’re called to, but I know that whatever the details, we are called to live a life at the limits of ourselves. Among our deepest desires is to respond as Mary did when the Holy Spirit told her that she would bear Jesus. 

Luke 1:38 Then Mary said, “Behold, I am the servant of the Lord; may it be done to me according to your word.” And the angel left her.

She didn’t ask what it would cost her. She didn’t ask what she would get out of it. She trusted that the plan that her Father had for her was good because her Father was good and she said “Yes”. Some of you may think we are foolish. Fair enough, we have had more than a few days thinking the same thing but even if we have wasted years of our lives trusting, still we have been trusting. I’ll end with some of the best wisdom I have received over the years.

God is always at work, moving and speaking, doing a multitude of things in the lives of His people; healing, teaching, disciplining, offering hope, offering breakthrough, offering family, offering fulfillment. Whatever He is doing or saying at any given moment, the fundamental invitation that He is whispering into the heart of every individual is “Come closer, I’m Good!”

Romans 8:28 And we know that God causes all things to work together for good to those who love God, to those who are called according to His purpose

20 years and counting

Twenty years of marriage!!! Twenty years of learning how to love better and fight harder in the best possible scenario. There is something truly amazing about having a covenant that takes precedence over personal wants and needs; a value that keeps you trying long after it is fun or logical only to break through into deeper levels of fun and fulfillment. It is unbelievable to have someone with whom you have shared your highest highs and lowest lows and they stick around. We have fought side by side through dark corridors and held each other through heart rending sorrow. We have laughed, and laughed, and laughed.

Tracy, you have been a safe place for me to be undone and redone and to make great exploits and I thank God for your character and kindness every day. I am thankful for you in the good times and still mind-blown that you have been up for adventure after adventure over these 20 years. I am in awe of your ability to release what He has done for what He is doing over and over again. I am humbled by your ability to let go of grief and malice and self justification over what has been stolen in order to take ahold of the good gift that is being offered. Your ability to trust Christ no matter what it looks like is magnificent and makes you more beautiful than even your face makes you. I further love your willingness and ability to welcome people into our family on an ongoing basis and treat them like our own for as long as they want or need us.

You have given me so much and you are truly my better 3/4. When I long for children, I long for your children. When I desire a home, I desire a home with you. When I think of travelling it is with you. I can't imagine doing this with anyone else. For better or worse. For richer or poorer. In sickness and in health. Til death... The old vows didn't make sense to me then. They do now. I do.

Update le first

A brief update from Ozland. As my semester break draws to a close I wanted to give an update to those that are interested. I remain so thankful for all of the support that we have received in the pursuit of this adventure and realize that those who support us may be interested in how things are going. The move and first semester, though a huge blessing have not come without significant challenges. The challenges that we predicted have been mostly manageable but those that were unforeseen have been making things… interesting. Our health and cultural frictions have added complications to an already stressful situation.

Both Tracy and I have been dealing with a variety of health issues. Some of these have been ongoing but in the past we have been able to cope with them in ways that are not feasible in our current context. We are both navigating our way through a medical system that even many Australians don’t seem to understand but we remain hopeful as every test performed offers the hope of some sort of intervention for our respective illnesses. Tracy has received a handful of diagnoses for which she is undergoing ongoing treatment whereas I have the opposite frustration where so far my symptoms have been unexplainable.

The culture shock of moving here is much greater than I foresaw. Between Australian culture, city culture, medical school culture and tourist culture we have felt bombarded and somewhat overwhelmed by the stream of novelty. This has been compounded by feeling cut off from the supports of home while also feeling like we don’t have the personal resources to reach out to our friends and family. I have found a small group of Canadian international students that I can commiserate with on occasion but I also don't want to insulate myself from integrating into our home for the next 4 years.

All of the cumulative stresses have exposed character flaws in me that have remained latent throughout my lifetime (though I’m sure many of you have seen them before). I have been shocked by how significant the role of emotion has been in this journey. I am feeling things, mostly insecurities, that I have not felt since High School and then further feeling the shame of having those insecurities exposed. I have been undergoing weekly inner healing sessions whether I want to or not and feel like I am having to relearn lessons that I long since thought I had mastered. Those He loves He disciplines...

We have both been functioning right at our margin and definitely been in survival mode. We were able to find a better balance at the end if the semester and have recovered over the break so hopefully we can be more functional moving forward. Tracy has an appointment with an infectious disease doc today and I have a referral to an endocrinologist for next week so hopefully we can get on top of health stuff too. I’m sorry we haven’t been able to connect. 

Despite these challenges, my first semester has been amazing!! I have learned so much that is new and I’ve had the opportunity to experience so many mind boggling things. My weeks mostly consist of: 4 hours of working a case study from presentation to diagnosis with a dozen peers focused on whatever system we are learning about, 2 hours learning how to conduct an interview to differentially diagnose and a variety of physical examination techniques, 12 hours in lectures, an average of 4 hours in some practical setting (dissection, histology, pathology) and then preparation and revision of all of the above.

With my current limits on time and energy I wondered if twitter (@Tubbyand) and instagram (tubby and) might be an effective way of sharing my experience so I thought I would begin posting more. Baby steps. 

Thank you all for continuing to support us as we continue on this adventure and hopefully we will be able to be more effective at communicating our journey. I look forward to hearing about your adventures as well… over summer break after year 1.

I'll finish with an quote that encouraged me that the pastor shared in his sermon on Sunday from Teddy Roosevelt:

“It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena, whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood; who strives valiantly; who errs, who comes short again and again, because there is no effort without error and shortcoming; but who does actually strive to do the deeds; who knows great enthusiasms, the great devotions; who spends himself in a worthy cause; who at the best knows in the end the triumph of high achievement, and who at the worst, if he fails, at least fails while daring greatly, so that his place shall never be with those cold and timid souls who neither know victory nor defeat.”